Things that didn't shut down on June 30, but should have

In March, we had a contest to guess the date that Reddit will be shut down.  In that thread, I said "my guess is June 30th".

Just as I predicted, they spent months looking for a sucker to sell the site to.
Just as I predicted, they couldn't find anybody that stupid.
Just as I predicted, companies didn't line up to pay good money for a site that loses money year after year.
Just as I predicted, Conde Nast will come to their senses, realize the site is worthless, and pull the plug.

But I underestimated the level of their stupidity.  I underestimated the amount of time it would take them to realize how hopeless their situation is.  I assumed that after seven straight years of Reddit losing money, it wouldn't take more than a few more months for Conde Nast to stop throwing good money after bad.  I stand corrected.

In honor of Conde Nast's psychosis, I have compiled a list of things that didn't shut down on June 30, 2011, but should have:

Reddit
In the last year alone, half the staff either bailed out or was fired.  Jeremy Edberg and Mike "Oompa Loompa" Schiraldi both (ostensibly) wrote "Reddit is awesome but I'm leaving in 10 minutes" blog posts.

David King left because there was "so much great news about reddit's future".  That's not to mention their lead developer, Chris Slowe.  And as a further sign of stability, the boss - Sarah Chubb - also got the ax.

They can't keep the site running, and sometimes it goes down for days on end.  Yet somehow Conde Nast STILL thinks they will be able to sell that pig.  Um, ya.  Good luck with that.

Japan's nuclear power plants
Just as toxic and damaging as Reddit, but far more profitable.

England.  Yes, the entire country.
Ah, the land of tooth decay and alcoholism.  We kicked their asses a couple hundred years ago.  We should have finished the job.

Tally-ho old bloke!

Their educational system produces people who think that "veangeful" and "fiercefully" are words.  They say things like "Cheerio", "Chitty chitty bang bang", "I've got my laughing trousers on" and "Pip pip, what is a dentist?"

They think human evolution has been proven because the guy on the internet they were swearing at didn't "provide a better explanation".  Dumbasses.

England sucks.  We should give it to Scotland.

Neil Diamond's concert tour
Dude, you were popular in 1970, and you sucked even then.  To make things worse, this summer Neil Diamond is coming to... you guessed it... England.  Fancy that, Nigel!

That's just a quinella of suck.

Facehammer's ass cheeks
'Nuff said.
   
Alexis Ohanian's barbershop

Can you make me look like this?

When Alexis was 10 years old, he walked into a barbershop and handed the barber a picture.  He meekly asked the barber, "can you make me look like this?"

The picture was of Bart Simpson.

That was cute when he was 10, but now that he is 30 and balding and hasn't shaved for four days, he looks like a homeless guy in SOMA defecating on himself.  He is a lot like that 90 year old lady in Walmart buying those pants that say "Juicy" on the ass.  That was cute when you were young, grandma, but now people are beginning to stare.

Spare some change?

When you're 10 and you gel up your spiked hair, you are edgy.  When you in your 30s and still doing it, you are creepy.

There are some things that the world would be better off without.  Reddit is one of those things.  Even Conde Nast isn't dumb enough to pump money into that loser forever.  They aren't going to let Reddit bankrupt their entire company.  Make no mistake:  Reddit will be gone soon enough.